My commitment to sleep….

An entire summer has come and gone.

At work, one colleague became very sick.
Another colleague quit.

I ended up working full time this summer.

I also applied and was accepted to nursing school. I started that 3 weeks ago.

In the 3 weeks I have been in school, I have had (if you include my lab skills requirements) about 6 tests so far. I spend about 6-8 hours per day at school with about 2 more hours of studying per day. Weekends included.

My kids started school two days ago.

I have been averaging about 4-6 hours per night depending on the night.

I am tired. So very, very tired.

But…I also don’t have a bed.

When I divorced, the kids and I moved to a really nice, cozy condo. In my mind, plenty of room for myself and the kids. I love it. However…we did come from a home that was about 3500 square feet. It had a massive, awesome family/play room for the kids. I wanted to mimic that room to some degree in our new home so the kids would feel like they have a large play space….spread out a little more than just their bedrooms.

So….I gave my kids the master bedroom to make it their play space. I acquired a memory foam mat, tossed it on the floor with a pillow and blanket and slept there. When I wasn’t sleeping, the mat, blanket, and pillow were folded in the corner. It wasn’t too bad…..until a huge spider crawled right by my head one evening.

I moved my mat, blanket and pillow to the couch. I have been sleeping there ever since.

It isn’t too bad. Comfy enough. Except…I am a little too tall for the couch, but it isn’t a huge issue because I usually sleep on my side in a loose, fetal position.

But…the kid’s family/play room has remained unused this entire summer. Maybe…it is because it is summer. Maybe it is because they are kind of outgrowing toys and play more with friends and less with stuff. Maybe it is because we are so busy shuttling between two households and the babysitter and now school and extracurricular activities….

Maybe when we are all home, it is our time to be together and we would all rather be downstairs together, eating and doing homework and reading or playing games at the big dining table that doubles as an office space, than in this empty space upstairs. Maybe my attempt at recreating something familiar for them, something they really enjoyed before the divorce, was paltry at best.

The time has come to get my bed back. My bedroom back. Maybe the kids need a place to go when they have their nightmares or feel sad and lonely. Maybe they need to bring mom breakfast in bed for Mother’s Day or just because….they used to love to do that all the time. Maybe instead of reading along in our bedrooms at night, we can all snuggle together and read together at night. Maybe instead of recreating the spaces they and their friends played and had fun, I should be recreating the spaces where they felt safe and bonding took place.

But not only that…maybe I just need to sleep again. Maybe that is what will help fix me and my little family again.

So, instead of taking something away, owning one less thing, unburdening myself of one more object, one more item….I am adding something more to my inventory of “stuff”, I am conforming to some notion of a Western, societal-deemed need, I am introducing one more chore or item to clean….

But I am so tired and I want to reclaim that sleep that has eluded me immensely these last couple years…and that has eluded me somewhat since I started my family.

I know it isn’t the sleeping on the floor, or the couch, or a bed that will miraculously solve this sleep “issue”……

I am tired…I think I will try and go to sleep. I have a big day tomorrow. I am going to get a bed.

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